What to do when your partner doesn't give their 100%
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- Oct 18, 2018
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 26
Updated 10.25.25
There’s something about expectations that can turn the most promising relationship into a wasteland.
When couples first come to see me, they’re usually hopeful — ready to learn, to reconnect, and to repair the distance that’s built up. But after a few sessions, frustration can creep in. One partner begins to pull back, effort fades, and discouragement sets in.
The truth? This is one of the hardest stages of healing and one of the most normal.
Change is slow. Growth is uneven. And when it feels like you’re the only one fighting for the relationship, it’s easy to start wondering if you should keep trying at all.
Why It Feels So Hard
When your partner stops showing up fully, it activates deep feelings of fear, rejection, and resentment. You start asking:
Am I the only one who cares?
What if nothing ever changes?
Am I wasting my time?
These thoughts are completely normal. But before deciding your relationship is doomed, take a step back. Sometimes the biggest breakthroughs come right after the moments that feel the most hopeless.
Here are some ways to ground yourself while you navigate this season.
8 Ways to Stay Grounded When You’re the Only One Trying
1. Catch your breath.
You can’t control your partner’s effort, only your own response. Refocus your energy on what’s within your control and release what isn’t. That shift alone can bring immediate relief to your nervous system and clarity to your next steps.
2. Journal and reflect.
Give your emotions somewhere to land. Writing out your thoughts can turn chaos into clarity. When things feel tangled, journaling helps you see the situation more objectively and identify what’s yours to carry and what isn’t.
3. Practice consistent self-care.
When you feel like you’re doing all the emotional lifting, burnout is real. Fill your own cup first through movement, nutrition, prayer, rest, or time in nature. A grounded body supports a grounded mind.
4. Cultivate a growth mindset.
Regardless of your partner’s pace, this experience can shape you into a wiser, stronger version of yourself. The growth you experience through struggle is never wasted, it builds resilience and discernment for every part of your life.
5. Build a healthy support system.
Find safe people who let you vent and reflect without judgment — friends, mentors, or a counselor. Support is not weakness; it’s how we metabolize stress and keep perspective.
6. Be patient with the process.
Your relationship didn’t reach this point overnight, and it won’t heal overnight either. There’s your change, their change, and the change that happens between you. Each takes time and repetition to rebuild safety and trust. Celebrate small wins, they’re the bridge to long-term progress.
7. Appreciate the journey, not just the outcome.
Even if change feels slow, gratitude for the small moments: a softer tone, a shared laugh, a moment of honesty — keeps hope alive. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
8. Lean into your faith.
For those who live by faith, let it become your anchor. Gary Thomas reminds us in Sacred Marriage that marriage isn’t meant to make us happy, but holy. Growth in patience, forgiveness, and humility often happens in the hardest seasons. When you invite God into the process, even pain becomes transformative.
When Your Partner’s Effort Doesn’t Change
If your partner continues to disengage, it may be time to assess the bigger picture:
Are your expectations clear and realistic?
Have both of you expressed your needs directly?
Are deeper issues (trauma, stress, depression, or resentment) getting in the way of effort?
If you’ve tried communication, reflection, and patience, but the relationship feels one-sided, consider seeking couples counseling or individual therapy to explore your options with professional support.
You deserve to be in a relationship that feels mutual, safe, and emotionally nourishing.
A Word on Faith and Perseverance
Relationships take time, energy, and courage. There’s no shortcut to healing, but there is growth in the process.
As Brannon Belis writes in Live, Learn, Grow:
“Faith is the strength to hold on when all we want to do is give up. Faith challenges us to give when we feel we have so little… So, don’t give up five minutes before the miracle.”
Change doesn’t happen because one partner demands it — it happens when both learn, stretch, and heal. And if only one person is ready, sometimes your courage is the seed that starts the change.
Reflection Questions
What emotions come up when you feel like you’re the only one trying?
Where do you see small signs of effort or growth in your relationship, even if subtle?
How can you care for yourself while still holding space for hope?
What boundaries or truths do you need to honor if nothing changes?
Recommended Resources
Books
Podcasts
Small Things Often — The Gottman Institute
The Love Hour — Kevin & Melissa Fredericks
Therapist Uncensored — Guy Macpherson, PhD
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW-QS), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS). At Nourivida Wellness, she helps individuals and couples strengthen emotional connection, rebuild trust, and develop resilience through a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental and relational health.