When Your Child’s Emotions Become Your Emotions
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- Jan 2
- 5 min read
Part 6 of the “Big-Feeling Kids, Big-Feeling Parents” Series
There’s a moment in parenting an emotionally intense child when you realize something you can’t unsee:
You’re not just managing their feelings anymore.
Somehow, you’re managing your feelings about their feelings.
And somewhere along the way, the line got blurry.
Maybe you notice your heart racing when they walk into the room.
Maybe you hold your breath when their mood shifts even slightly.
Maybe their stress becomes your stress.
Maybe their sadness lives in your chest longer than it lives in theirs.
And maybe… without meaning to,
their emotional life has become your emotional life.
If that feels uncomfortably familiar, you’re not broken.
You’re not failing.
You’re not “co-dependent.”
You’re a parent whose nervous system has been stretched thin by emotional unpredictability — and your brain has learned to track your child’s internal world as if it were your own.
You’re human.
You’re attuned.
You love deeply.
But you also deserve to come back home to your own feelings.
How Emotional Absorption Happens (Without You Realizing It)
Emotionally intense kids live big.
And parents subconsciously adjust.
Here’s what usually happens:
1. Over time, you become hyper-attuned.
You scan for early signs of overwhelm: the eyes, the tone, the posture, the quiet.
2. Your brain starts predicting their emotional storms.
Not because you’re anxious — but because you’re trying to prevent rupture.
3. Your body begins reacting before they do.
You tighten.
You brace.
You prepare.
4. Eventually, you stop noticing your own emotions.
You’re too busy feeling theirs.
5. Your nervous system merges with theirs.
You become their regulator — and lose sight of your own anchor.
This isn’t weakness.
It’s survival.
And it’s common in families with high emotional intensity.
But it also becomes unsustainable.
The Cost of Carrying Their Feelings as Your Own
This is where parents start to quietly unravel.
Emotional absorption leads to:
chronic exhaustion
resentment you feel guilty about
losing your own preferences
burnout disguised as irritability
a sense of “walking on emotional stilts”
guilt when you set boundaries
feeling responsible for their reactions
staying small to avoid triggering them
difficulty relaxing even when things are calm
Parents often say:
“I don’t know where I end and they begin.”
And they mean it literally.
Because emotional absorption changes how your body feels.
But here’s the part most parents never hear:
You can be emotionally connected to your child
without being emotionally fused with your child.
Emotional Differentiation: The Skill Your Child Needs You to Have
Differentiation isn’t distance.
It’s clarity.
It’s the ability to hold your emotional identity even when someone near you is overwhelmed.
Differentiation says:
“I’m here with you…
but I’m not going into the storm with you.”
Emotionally intense kids don’t need parents who absorb their emotions —
they need parents who can co-regulate without collapsing,
connect without merging, and stay steady in their own nervous system.
This is how kids learn emotional boundaries.
By watching you practice yours.
The “Three-Lane” Method for Staying in Your Own Emotional Lane
Think of emotional reactions as traffic lanes:
Lane 1 — Their Feelings
Their anger.
Their fear.
Their disappointment.
Their overwhelm.
Their story.
Lane 2 — Your Feelings
Your boundaries.
Your exhaustion.
Your tenderness.
Your fear.
Your body’s response.
Your story.
Lane 3 — The Relationship Space
This is where problem-solving happens.
Where reflection happens.
Where connection lives.
Emotionally intense families get stuck in Lane 1.
Parents jump in, absorb, rescue, fix, soften, hold the emotional weight.
The work is not to abandon your child.
The work is to stay in Lane 2 while still inviting them into Lane 3.
A simple anchor phrase for yourself:
“This is their feeling. I can be present without becoming it.”
What It Sounds Like in Real Life
Child: “You don’t care about me!”
Parent (staying in Lane 2): “I hear how hurt you feel. I care deeply. And I’m steady.”
Child: “This is the worst day ever!”
Parent: “It feels really big right now. I’m here, and I’m okay. We’ll figure this out together.”
Child: “I hate myself.”
Parent: “Those feelings are heavy. You’re not alone. And I’m not going into that darkness with you — but I’ll sit beside you.”
This is the emotional posture:
With, but not within.
Beside, but not absorbed.
Anchored, not entangled.
Your child feels you —
but they don’t drown you.
Reflection & Gentle Takeaways
1. Where do I most easily absorb my child’s emotions?
Anger? Sadness? Fear? Anxiety?
2. What does my body do when they escalate?
Lean in? Tighten? Shut down? Mirror?
3. When do I confuse empathy with responsibility?
This is where fusion begins.
4. What emotion of mine have I been ignoring?
Your feelings matter too.
5. What is one moment this week where I can practice “with, not within”?
Small tries shift the entire dynamic.
A Small Practice for the Week Ahead
The next time your child has a big reaction, silently say to yourself:
“This is their emotion.
My job is to anchor, not absorb.”
Then soften your shoulders.
Loosen your jaw.
Slow your breath.
Let your child feel your steadiness
instead of your merging.
Something to Notice in Your Child This Week
Watch what happens when you stop absorbing.
You may see:
shorter emotional storms
less intensity
quicker repair
more independence
less reliance on your emotional cushioning
Emotionally intense kids calm faster
when they’re not accidentally pulling from your nervous system.
A Reassuring Thought to Hold Onto
Your empathy is not the problem.
Your sensitivity is not a flaw.
Your openness is not “too much.”
You are not losing yourself because you’re weak —
you’re losing yourself because you love.
But you’re allowed to come home to your own emotional center again.
You’re allowed to have your own feelings.
Your own boundaries.
Your own pace.
Your own internal life.
Your child doesn’t need you to absorb them —
they need you to model what it looks like to stay whole in the presence of intensity.
And you can.
Ready for deeper support? Join the Parenting the Big-Feeling Child Group.
If this blog series resonated with you and you’re looking for practical tools, nervous-system strategies, and connection-based support, I invite you to join the waitlist for my 8-week parent program, Parenting the Big-Feeling Child.
It’s a guided, high-support group designed to help you understand your child’s emotional world, strengthen connection, and feel anchored in even the hardest moments.
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who blends psychology, nervous system science, and nutrition to help individuals and families understand their emotional patterns with clarity and compassion. Through her practice, Nourivida Wellness, she offers concierge mental health support for neurodiverse individuals, parents of emotionally intense children, and those navigating deep relational challenges. Yvette believes in empowering people to become students of themselves—anchored, informed, and supported. If you’re seeking guidance, curious about working together, or longing for a more grounded path forward, you can learn more at Nourivida Wellness.
