From Two to Three: Preparing Your Relationship for Parenthood
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- Jul 31
- 6 min read
If you’re expecting your first baby, you’re probably swimming in advice — some helpful, some not so much. Everyone has an opinion, every article claims to have the secret, and you’re trying to prepare for something that can’t fully be prepared for.
Beneath all of it, there’s often a quieter question most couples don’t say out loud:
“Will we still feel like us once the baby comes?”
That question is where the real preparation begins. Because while setting up the nursery, packing a hospital bag, and reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting matter — what truly shapes this next chapter is the strength of your partnership.
Parenthood is beautiful, life-changing, and sometimes disorienting. It can bring out the best in you and test the edges of your patience, communication, and connection. But walking into it with intention can mean the difference between feeling like you’re losing each other and feeling like you’re growing together.
The Shift from Two to Three
When a baby arrives, every pattern in your relationship — both the strong and the strained — becomes amplified.
The Gottman Institute found that two-thirds of couples report a significant drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after their first baby is born. But here’s the hopeful part: those who stayed connected didn’t avoid stress — they learned how to face it together.
That means recognizing that this shift affects everything: how you communicate, how you rest, how you divide responsibilities, and even how you see each other.
One day, you’re partners sharing lazy mornings and spontaneous dinners. The next, you’re co-managers of a tiny human who needs constant care and both of you are running on little sleep. It’s normal to feel disoriented. It’s normal to wonder where your old selves went.
The key isn’t avoiding the changes. It’s approaching them as a team.
Common Myths That Quietly Undermine New Parents
Myth 1: “The baby’s needs come first, always.”
It’s tempting to believe that self-sacrifice equals love. But your relationship is the foundation your baby depends on. When you care for each other, your child feels that stability.
Wisdom: Protecting your bond is caring for your baby.
Myth 2: “If we love each other enough, we’ll figure it out as we go.”
Love is essential but it doesn’t replace communication, planning, and empathy under pressure. Even the strongest relationships need structure when exhaustion sets in.
Wisdom: Love gives you motivation; communication gives you direction.
Myth 3: “If we argue after the baby arrives, something’s wrong with us.”
Conflict is not the problem — disconnection is. The real test of a healthy relationship is how you repair after conflict.
Wisdom: Focus less on being right and more on staying connected.
Myth 4: “Parenthood will bring us closer.”
It might but only if you stay intentional about nurturing your friendship and respect for each other. Parenthood deepens love, but it also stretches it thin if you stop feeding it.
Wisdom: Closeness doesn’t just happen; it’s built in small, daily moments.
Gottman-Inspired Wisdom for Expectant Couples
1. Protect Your Friendship
The couples who thrive after baby are the ones who remember why they liked each other in the first place. Keep laughing, keep touching, keep saying thank you.
Shared humor and small rituals — like a cup of coffee together before the day begins — become anchors when everything else feels unpredictable.
2. Expect Change, Not Loss
Your relationship won’t look the same after the baby — but that doesn’t mean it’s broken. It’s evolving. Give yourselves permission to grieve what was and to be curious about what’s next.
Every season of love looks different. This one can be deeper, softer, and more meaningful.
3. Talk About Roles Before They Happen
Conversations about who does what aren’t really about chores — they’re about fairness, partnership, and empathy.
Before the baby arrives, discuss expectations: How will we share nights? How will we handle family visitors? How will we take turns resting?
These conversations prevent resentment before it starts.
4. Create a Shared Meaning Around Parenthood
Instead of focusing only on logistics (bottles, diapers, sleep schedules), talk about the kind of family you want to be.
What values do you want to nurture? What moments will matter most?
When you share a vision, daily chaos feels less like survival and more like purpose.
5. Practice Soft Startups
Exhaustion can make even the kindest person sound harsh. Gottman calls it a “harsh startup” — when a conversation begins with criticism or tension.
Instead, try starting gently: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and could use some help” goes much further than “You never help.”
Gentleness isn’t weakness — it’s strategy.
For Neurodivergent Parents
If you or your partner are neurodivergent, the transition to parenthood may feel even more intense and that doesn’t mean you’re unprepared. It simply means your brain processes change, stress, and sensory input differently.
Plan for overstimulation. Newborn cries, sleepless nights, and constant touch can easily overload sensitive nervous systems. Schedule intentional decompression breaks for both partners.
Use structure to create safety. Predictable routines and visual reminders can reduce anxiety and help both of you feel anchored.
Communicate directly. Don’t assume your partner “just knows.” Clear, gentle requests prevent misunderstandings when everyone’s tired.
Honor sensory needs. If one of you needs quiet time or low light while the other craves touch or sound, name it and negotiate a rhythm that works for both.
Lean on your strengths. Many neurodivergent parents are deeply intuitive, observant, and creative problem-solvers—traits that serve your family beautifully.
Parenthood doesn’t ask you to be like everyone else—it invites you to build a family culture that works for your nervous systems.
Simple Preparation Steps
Schedule a pre-baby relationship check-in. Talk about fears, hopes, and how you’ll support each other in moments of frustration.
Write down your top three needs during the first few months — and share them.
Choose one ritual to protect (morning coffee, daily walk, evening check-in).
Build your village early. Identify who can bring meals, watch the baby for an hour, or offer emotional support.
Create your “repair language.” Decide how you’ll reconnect after arguments — maybe a hug, a phrase, or a shared deep breath.
For Parents with Pets
If you already have a pet, you’ve probably been practicing some version of caregiving for years — tuning in to needs that can’t be spoken, managing routines, and offering affection even when you’re tired. Those instincts will serve you well. But adding a baby changes the rhythm for everyone — including your furry family member.
Expect adjustment. Pets often pick up on stress, sleep deprivation, and new smells. Keep their routines as consistent as possible to reduce anxiety.
Plan introductions thoughtfully. Before bringing your baby home, play recordings of baby sounds or let your pet explore nursery items so they’re not startled by all the newness.
Share affection intentionally. Many pets grieve lost attention. Schedule short moments of touch, play, or calm presence — it helps them feel secure in your growing family.
Keep safety in focus, not fear. Supervise early interactions and create safe zones for both baby and pet. With time, gentle exposure builds trust.
Just like you, your pet is adjusting to this new chapter. The goal isn’t perfection — it’s helping every member of your home feel safe, loved, and included.
Curated Resources (Without Overwhelm)
For Your Relationship: And Baby Makes Three by John & Julie Gottman
For Emotional Awareness: Bringing Baby Home Workshop (local or online options)
For Everyday Connection: The Gottman Card Decks App — a free tool filled with conversation prompts, love maps, and questions to help you stay connected through pregnancy, sleepless nights, and every new season of parenthood. Try using one or two questions during dinner or while rocking the baby—it’s a small way to keep learning each other, even in the fog.
For Pregnancy Practicalities: What to Expect When You’re Expecting — take what helps, leave what doesn’t
Remember: preparation isn’t about control. It’s about building confidence, teamwork, and grace for each other when things get messy — because they will, and that’s okay.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to stay together in the figuring out.
Parenthood will stretch you, soften you, and sometimes undo you — but it will also remake you in the most profound ways.
Protect your connection. Keep turning toward each other, even when you’re tired. And remember: the most powerful thing you can bring home—besides your baby—is your bond.
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who takes a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental health. She believes in empowering individuals and couples to understand their emotions, behaviors, and well-being through a combination of psychology, nutrition, and sustainable lifestyle habits. Through her practice, Nourivida Wellness, she provides concierge mental health services for neurodiverse individuals, couples, and those seeking emotional growth.
Looking for more support? Learn more at Nourivida Wellness.
