How to Co-Parent When the Other Parent Struggles with Mental Illness or Addiction
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- 23 hours ago
- 6 min read
This post continues our Co-Parenting Series, focusing on how to maintain safety, stability, and sanity when the other parent’s mental health or addiction creates chaos.
Sometimes co-parenting doesn’t just involve differences in personality it involves serious concerns about a parent’s mental health, stability, or substance use. You may be trying to navigate exchanges with someone who cycles between clarity and crisis, makes impulsive or unsafe choices, or uses guilt, threats, or manipulation to maintain control.
If you’re in this position, know this: you’re not alone, and you’re not powerless.
Co-parenting with a mentally ill or addicted parent requires a different framework one grounded in safety, documentation, compassion without codependency, and a steady nervous system.
1. Prioritize Safety First
Your top priority is the safety of your child and of yourself.
If your co-parent has made suicidal threats, expressed intent to harm themselves or others, or is impaired while caring for the child, take it seriously.
Immediate steps:
If there is an imminent safety concern, call 911 or request a wellness check.
Notify your attorney or guardian ad litem if one is assigned.
Document what was said or done factually, no interpretation, just evidence.
Avoid making promises or trying to “talk them down” alone; involve professionals.
You cannot control or cure their illness or addiction. Your job is to maintain stability and protect the child from exposure to unsafe or traumatizing behavior.
2. Anchor in Structure and Boundaries
When mental illness or addiction is present, chaos is often the norm. Structure and predictability become your lifeline.
Create and follow:
A clear parenting plan (preferably court-approved) with written boundaries around communication, visitation, and emergency protocols.
Neutral exchange locations if in-person hand-offs become volatile.
Written communication only (email or a co-parenting app).
Avoid getting pulled into emotional caregiving or crisis management.
You can have empathy without taking responsibility for their recovery.
3. Communicate for the Record — Not for Resolution
Inconsistent or unstable co-parents often fluctuate between remorse and rage. Responding emotionally keeps you on the same rollercoaster.
When communicating:
Keep messages short, factual, and time-stamped.
Avoid commentary on their sobriety, mental state, or behavior.
Stick to logistics: “Pick-up is at 3:00 PM per our agreement.”
If they become abusive or threatening, disengage and document.
Remember: your audience is the record, not the co-parent.
4. Support Your Child’s Emotional Reality
Children can feel confused, anxious, or responsible for a parent’s instability. They may try to “fix” that parent or hide what’s happening to protect them.
Help them by providing honesty and emotional safety at their developmental level:
Validate feelings: “That sounds scary” or “You’re safe with me right now.”
Reinforce that their job is to be a kid, not a caretaker.
Offer age-appropriate explanations: “Sometimes people’s brains get sick, and they need help to feel better.”
Keep routines stable and predictable.
Consider therapy for your child, especially with a trauma-informed or family systems clinician who understands these dynamics.
5. Don’t Do This Alone
Co-parenting with a mentally ill or addicted parent is an emotional marathon.
You need support too.
Build a team that might include:
A therapist familiar with high-conflict family systems
A legal advocate or family law attorney
A trusted friend or family member who can help with exchanges
A support group for loved ones of individuals with mental illness or addiction (such as NAMI Family Support or Al-Anon)
These resources help you stay grounded, make informed decisions, and reduce the sense of isolation that so often accompanies this experience.
6. Regulate, Don’t React
Your co-parent’s instability can pull you into fight-or-flight before you even realize it.
The antidote is regulation.
Take a few slow breaths before opening or responding to messages.
Ground yourself physically (feet flat, unclench jaw, relax shoulders).
Repeat a stabilizing phrase such as, “Their behavior is not my responsibility.”
If possible, schedule exchanges or calls at times when you’re rested and calm.
The more anchored you are, the less their chaos can pull you off center.
7. Redefine “Success”
Success may not look like cooperation, it may look like consistency.
If your child feels safe, knows what to expect, and can trust that home is calm, you are already winning.
You’re modeling resilience, emotional literacy, and boundaries, the foundation of generational healing. And sometimes, even with structure, documentation, and boundaries in place, the situation escalates to a point where visitation must be temporarily suspended for safety reasons.
8. When Visitation Is Suspended
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, visitation must be paused or suspended for safety reasons. This may happen due to the other parent’s relapse, instability, or behavior that places your child at risk. Even when it’s necessary, this stage can bring up a complex mix of emotions: grief, anger, guilt, and even doubt.
Navigating Your Own Emotions
It’s normal to feel conflicted. You may feel relief knowing your child is safe, yet sadness that they’re missing a relationship with their parent. Both can be true.
Allow yourself to grieve what should have been, a co-parent who could show up in a healthy way. Processing this loss through therapy or journaling can help you stay anchored in reality rather than guilt.
Focus on what’s true right now: your child’s safety and stability take priority. Remind yourself that suspended visitation isn’t about punishment; it’s about protection and healing.
Supporting Your Child
Your child may experience confusion, sadness, or loyalty conflicts. They might miss the other parent, even if that relationship was harmful. Your job isn’t to erase those feelings it’s to hold space for them.
Practical tips:
Be honest, but age-appropriate.
For younger children: “Right now, Mom/Dad isn’t feeling well enough to visit. The adults are working to help them get better.”
For older children: “There are some safety concerns right now, and it’s not your job to fix them.”
Normalize mixed emotions: “It’s okay to love someone and still need space from them to feel safe.”
Keep routines steady to restore a sense of security.
Encourage expression through art, journaling, or movement.
If your child struggles to process the situation, consider individual therapy or play therapy to help them integrate their feelings in a safe and developmentally appropriate way.
Maintaining Safety and Boundaries
If supervised visitation is later reinstated, ease in cautiously.
Request updates or documentation from the court, visitation center, or guardian ad litem before resuming.
Keep exchanges neutral and structured.
Monitor your own emotional cues; it’s common for anxiety to spike when contact resumes.
Remember, the ultimate goal is not to rush reunification but to ensure that any interaction happens within a framework of safety and stability.
Parting thoughts
You can’t fix a co-parent’s illness or addiction, but you can build a stable world around your child that protects them from its impact.
Healing in this context looks like structure, calm, and presence, not perfection.
“You can have compassion without chaos, empathy without entanglement, and peace even when the other parent is not well.”
Reflection Questions
What are your biggest triggers when interacting with your co-parent, and how can you prepare for them?
Where are your current safety gaps: legal, emotional, or logistical?
What routines or rituals help your child feel secure and grounded?
What support do you need right now that you’ve been hesitant to ask for?
Recommended Resources
Books
Organizations & Support Groups
NAMI Family Support Groups — National Alliance on Mental Illness
Al-Anon Family Groups — support for families affected by addiction
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) — helpline and treatment locator
Podcasts
The Trauma Therapist Podcast — Guy Macpherson, PhD
HopeStream Podcast — for families navigating addiction recovery
Therapist Uncensored — practical strategies for relational regulation
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS). At Nourivida Wellness, she helps individuals and families navigate emotional regulation, trauma, and complex relationships through a holistic, neuroscience-based approach. She’s passionate about empowering parents to create stability and emotional safety especially when co-parenting through conflict, mental illness, or addiction.
