When the Dishes Feel Like Mount Everest: Neurodivergent Executive Function and the Toll It Takes on Relationships

Updated: Jul 12

Let’s just be honest: when you’re neurodivergent, the mental load of everyday life can feel like running an obstacle course with one leg tied behind your back.

You want to do the thing. You know the thing matters. And yet… the thing doesn’t get done.

Not because you’re lazy.

Not because you don’t care.

But because executive function isn’t just about doing — it’s about getting to the doing.

And when you’re in a relationship, especially one with neurotypical dynamics or differing energy rhythms, this mismatch in task initiation, planning, or follow-through can slowly chip away at the connection if left unspoken or unsupported.

Executive Function Challenges in Daily Life

If you have ADHD, autism, or other forms of neurodivergence, you may struggle with things like:

Initiation – You know the trash needs to go out, but you can’t quite get yourself to start.
Working Memory – You walk into a room and forget why you’re there (again).
Time Blindness – You fully believed you had “plenty of time” until suddenly you’re late.
Task Switching – You hyperfocus on one thing and lose track of everything else.
Emotional Regulation – You want to stay calm when your partner brings something up, but your nervous system short-circuits instead.

None of these are character flaws. They’re part of the wiring.

But over time, they can cause friction. Especially in close relationships.

The Toll on You

Let’s start with the internal experience: because it’s heavy.

You may feel deep shame when you miss a deadline, forget a chore, or drop the ball (again).
You may overcompensate with late-night catch-up marathons that leave you burnt out.
You may avoid your partner altogether when the disappointment in their eyes feels unbearable.
You might get stuck in a loop of “Why can’t I just…?” — while your nervous system quietly screams.

You don’t want to disappoint your partner. But you also can’t force your brain to function on demand.

This gap — between intention and execution — can be heartbreaking.

The Toll on the Relationship

From the partner’s perspective, they may experience:

Unequal labor: It might feel like one person is always doing more.
Broken trust: Promises to “do it tomorrow” that never get fulfilled.
Emotional distance: Because task failure starts to look like emotional disconnection.
Resentment: “If you really cared, you’d just do it.”

But here’s the truth: It’s not about not caring. It’s about capacity and wiring and the unspoken grief on both sides.

Unaddressed, these patterns can create chronic tension in the relationship, where one partner feels like they’re parenting and the other feels perpetually inadequate.

So What Can You Do?

Let’s get practical. Here are a few things that can help both you and your relationship:

1. Name the Elephant

Openly acknowledge the role of executive dysfunction in the relationship. This removes blame and invites compassion.

“I’m not trying to ignore that chore. My brain genuinely has trouble initiating tasks without external structure.”

2. Externalize the Systems

Use shared calendars, whiteboards, alarms, or even visual checklists to support memory and planning.

ADHD brains thrive on external scaffolding.

3. Divide Tasks by Strengths

Instead of “fair” always meaning “equal,” try “fair” as “balanced by capacity.” If one partner is better at logistics, and the other excels in creativity or emotional labor — lean into those strengths.

4. Use Body Doubling

Doing things together — even silently — can increase follow-through for neurodivergent folks. “I’ll clean the counters while you do the dishes” can be a game-changer.

5. Practice Compassionate Re-Routing

Mistakes will happen. The goal isn’t perfection — it’s repair.

Ask:

How can we repair when trust is bent, but not broken?
How can we reduce the shame loop instead of deepening it?

When the Stay-at-Home Partner Struggles to Carry Their Load

This is where things get extra tender and often extra misunderstood.

In many neurodivergent households, one partner stays home, either to care for children, manage the home, or because working outside the home has become too dysregulating. And yet, even with “more time,” tasks aren’t getting done.

This creates a specific kind of tension when the working partner comes home exhausted and feels the weight of both financial pressure and household duties.

Let’s break it down:

For the Neurodivergent Stay-at-Home Partner:

You may feel deeply ashamed that the laundry isn’t folded or the dishes are still in the sink.
You might dissociate, doom scroll, or hyperfocus on one comfort activity as a way to avoid overwhelming stimuli.
Your nervous system may be in a near-constant state of freeze, even if it doesn’t look like it on the outside.

This is not about being lazy. This is about executive overload, sensory burnout, and sometimes depression masked by shutdown.

For the Working Partner:

It can feel incredibly frustrating to work long hours and come home to unmet expectations.
You may question whether your partner respects your time and contribution.
You may wonder if the division of labor is fair and if things will ever get better.

This dynamic can lead to resentment on both sides if it’s not named, supported, and structured.

What Can Help

Create a rhythm, not a schedule. Allow for flexible time-blocking with visual or auditory prompts. Think: “morning reset,” “afternoon flow,” “evening anchor.”
Use accountability partners. The stay-at-home partner might benefit from texting a friend or using a virtual coworking space (like Focusmate or body doubling).
Start with one daily non-negotiable. Choose one anchor task per day to complete. Build momentum slowly.
Have honest check-ins. Weekly check-ins about labor, energy, and needs can help prevent blow-ups.
Name the neurodivergence. If ADHD, autism, or trauma responses are at play, speak openly about it, not as an excuse, but as context for co-creating solutions.

When It’s Time to Bring in Support

If you’re noticing any of the following, it might be time to consider ADHD coaching, therapy, or a collaborative team approach:

Chronic shutdown, avoidance, or freeze states
The same fights repeating about housework or follow-through
Deep shame or depression that blocks momentum
Emotional dysregulation when asked to do “simple” tasks
One partner feeling like a “parent” or “manager” rather than an equal
Attempts at solutions failing again and again

Support can look like ADHD coaching, couples therapy, or a trauma-informed counselor who understands executive function challenges. It might also include occupational therapy for sensory support, or nutrition and lifestyle work to regulate the nervous system.

When to Consider ADHD Coaching

Sometimes, it’s more than just needing a to-do list. It’s needing an entire strategy shift.

ADHD coaching can be helpful when:

You’re aware of the problem but still can’t create new habits.
You’re stuck in chronic overwhelm, even with good intentions.
Your executive dysfunction is putting strain on work, health, or relationships.
You need help designing systems that actually work for your brain.
You want support in practicing self-compassion while still growing your skills.

A coach trained in neurodivergent thinking doesn’t just hand you a planner. They help you build your own rulebook — one that honors your brain, your needs, and your goals.

Further Resources & Podcast Recommendations

ADHD + Executive Function Support:

Podcast: ADHD ReWired – Eric Tivers interviews guests and runs coaching groups with a strong practical focus.
Podcast: I Have ADHD Podcast by Kristen Carder – Especially helpful for emotional regulation and life skills.
Podcast: The Mini ADHD Coach – Bite-sized episodes on executive function, sensory issues, and relationships.
Book: Your Brain’s Not Broken by Tamara Rosier – How ADHD impacts emotion and follow-through (and what to do about it).
Coaching Groups:
- ADHD ReWired Coaching & Accountability Groups
- Focused by Kristen Carder – Self-paced + group coaching model
- How to ADHD – Patreon Community – Includes access to body doubling sessions and community tools

Couples-Specific Resources:

Podcast Episode: “Neurodiverse Marriage” on I Have ADHD Podcast (Episode 147)
Book: The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti – Especially for emotionally intense, reactive dynamics
Book: ADHD After Dark by Ari Tuckman – Explores how ADHD impacts intimacy and communication

Gentle Reminders Before You Go

If you’re the neurodivergent partner, remember:

Your value is not measured in dishes done or calls returned.

You deserve support, not shame.

If you’re the partner of someone with executive function challenges:

Compassion doesn’t mean doing it all: it means walking with, not over.

You also deserve support, not silent suffering.

You’re on the same team. Even when it feels hard.

✨ You’re not broken. Your brain just works differently.

✨ Tasks are not love languages. But how we approach them can impact how loved someone feels.

✨ Relationships thrive when we swap shame for curiosity, blame for collaboration.

Reflection Journal Prompts

When do I notice the biggest challenges with executive function?
How do I tend to explain these challenges to myself? To my partner?
What tools or support systems have helped me in the past?
Where am I expecting myself to function like a neurotypical person?
What would a compassionate relationship with my task brain look like?

Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who takes a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental health. She believes in empowering individuals to understand their emotions, behaviors, and well-being through a combination of psychology, nutrition, and sustainable health habits. Through her counseling practice, Traveling Light Counseling, she provides concierge mental health services for neurodiverse individuals, couples, and those seeking emotional growth.

Looking for more support? Learn more at Traveling Light Counseling.