Understanding Isn't the Same as Excusing
"Compassion and accountability are not opposites. Healthy relationships require both."
One of the most important lessons I've learned, both personally and professionally: is that two things can be true at the same time.
Someone can be deeply wounded...
...and still deeply wound others.
For many years, I believed that the more I understood someone, the better I could help them.
So I learned.
I studied trauma.
Attachment.
The nervous system.
Mental health.
Neurodivergence.
Personality dynamics.
The more I learned, the more compassion I developed. Knowledge has a way of softening our hearts because it reminds us that behavior rarely exists in a vacuum. There is almost always a story behind it. And that compassion is a beautiful thing. But somewhere along the way, I began noticing something, in myself, in my clients, and in the loved ones I walked beside. Many of us unknowingly cross an invisible line. We begin believing that if we understand someone well enough, we can somehow lessen the impact of their behavior.
We start explaining.
Then we begin excusing.
And before we realize it, we've started tolerating things that quietly erode our own well-being. Understanding someone and excusing someone are not the same thing. Learning the difference can change everything.
Compassion Asks One Question. Boundaries Ask Another.
When someone we love is struggling, our hearts naturally ask:
"What happened to them?"
It's a compassionate question. It invites curiosity instead of judgment. It reminds us that people often behave in ways that make sense within the context of their own experiences. But there is another question that deserves equal attention.
"What is happening to me?"
How is this relationship affecting my peace? My health? My nervous system? My confidence? My sense of safety? Healthy relationships make room for both questions. One without the other leaves us out of balance.
The Difference Between an Explanation and Permission
There is tremendous value in understanding why someone behaves the way they do. Trauma may help explain why someone struggles to trust. Anxiety may help explain why someone seeks constant reassurance. Depression may help explain emotional withdrawal. Neurodivergence may help explain differences in communication, sensory processing, or social understanding. Personality dynamics may help explain longstanding patterns of relating to others. Understanding these factors can increase empathy and reduce unnecessary blame. But explanations are not permissions. An explanation provides context. It does not erase impact. It does not make harmful behavior healthy. It does not remove another person's need for accountability. Nor does it require you to abandon yourself.
Holding Two Truths at the Same Time
One of the healthiest skills we can develop is the ability to hold two truths simultaneously.
I can understand your pain...
and
I can acknowledge the pain your behavior has caused me.
I can recognize that your reactions make sense to you...
and
I can recognize that they are affecting me in unhealthy ways.
I can love you deeply...
and
I can decide that I need healthier boundaries.
These truths do not compete with one another.
They belong together.
When Compassion Becomes Self-Abandonment
Many caring people slowly become experts on someone else's inner world. They know the history. The diagnosis. The childhood wounds. The triggers. The fears. The reasons behind the behavior. What often gets lost is their own story. Their exhaustion. Their grief. Their anxiety. Their loneliness. Their hopes. Their needs. Somewhere along the way, their compassion quietly turns inward only toward the other person.
They stop asking:
"How am I doing?"
Healing often begins when we bring the same curiosity and compassion back to ourselves.
A Helpful Exercise
Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.
On the left side, write:
What I Understand
List everything you genuinely understand about the person you love.
Perhaps you know about their childhood.
Their fears.
Their trauma.
Their mental health.
Their stress.
Allow yourself to acknowledge it without minimizing it.
Now on the right side, write:
How This Has Impacted Me
Be honest.
Has it affected your sleep?
Your physical health?
Your confidence?
Your friendships?
Your ability to relax?
Your relationship with yourself?
Notice that you do not have to choose between these two lists.
Both can be true.
Sometimes healing begins simply by allowing yourself to see both.
If You Recognize Yourself in This
If this article resonates with you, consider trying one of these small practices this week.
Practice Holding Two Truths
The next time you find yourself explaining someone's behavior, gently add one more sentence.
"I understand why this may be difficult for them..."
and
"I also recognize how it is affecting me."
Notice what changes when you allow both truths to coexist.
Check Your Inner Dialogue
When you think about your loved one, ask yourself:
Am I trying to understand them...
Or am I trying to make what happened hurt less?
That question often reveals more than we expect.
Return Compassion to Yourself
Spend five quiet minutes asking yourself the same questions you so naturally ask others.
What am I feeling?
What do I need?
What has been hard for me?
What would support my own healing?
Sometimes the person who has received the least compassion is the one asking all the compassionate questions.
Pause & Reflect
Have I confused understanding with responsibility?
What behaviors have I repeatedly explained away?
What impact has this relationship had on my emotional and physical well-being?
Where might I need to extend compassion toward myself?
What is one healthy boundary that would honor both my heart and my health?
Coming Next in This Series
Many people assume the hardest part of loving someone through significant struggles is the relationship itself.
Often, another challenge quietly unfolds alongside it:
Isolation.
In Part 4, we'll explore why loved ones so often suffer in silence, why asking for support can feel incredibly complicated, and how healthy connection becomes an essential part of healing.
Next Post: The Loneliness of Loving Someone Who Is Struggling
About the Author
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS), and Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) who takes a holistic approach to emotional wellness. Through her work at Nourivida Wellness, she helps individuals, couples, and families better understand the connections between mental health, relationships, nervous system regulation, and overall well-being.
Yvette believes that healing begins when we become students of ourselves—learning to understand our patterns, honor our needs, and make choices that support both compassion and healthy boundaries. Her work blends psychology, neuroscience, and nutrition to help people create lasting change from the inside out.
Through Nourivida Wellness, she provides concierge mental health and wellness services for neurodiverse individuals, couples, and those navigating life's most challenging seasons. Looking for additional support or resources? Learn more at Nourivida Wellness.
