Couples Question Dare
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- Apr 11, 2019
- 4 min read
Updated: 10.26.25
One Simple Question That Can Change the Climate of Your Relationship
Those who work with me know I’ve dedicated both my personal and professional life to helping couples create relationships that last a lifetime. I believe in investing in marriage the same way we invest in health, growth, or career — with intention and daily effort. One of my favorite ways to do this is through the Gottman Method, a research-based approach that teaches couples how to deepen friendship, manage conflict, and build lasting connection through small, consistent actions.
Recently, I came across a simple but powerful question from Gottman’s State of the Union exercise — a weekly ritual where couples reflect on their relationship. One of the prompts asks:
“What can I do this week to show you love?”
That question sparked an idea — what if we took it further?
What if, instead of once a week, couples asked this every day?
So, I began introducing it to my clients. After they shared daily appreciations in session, I’d have them ask their partner this one question. The results were incredible. Clients described their relationships as warmer, more playful, and more connected, often within just a few days.
Now it’s your turn.
The Question That Changes Everything
Every day, ask your partner:
“What can I do for you today to make you feel loved?”
That’s it.
Simple, right?
Well… yes and no.
Many couples discover that simplicity can still feel awkward or vulnerable at first. So, before you dive in, here are a few helpful insights to keep in mind.
Common Roadblocks (and How to Move Through Them)
1. “It doesn’t feel natural — it feels forced.”
That’s okay! When you’re learning something new — whether it’s rollerblading, cooking, or learning to communicate differently — it will feel prescribed at first. But with time, intention becomes instinct. What starts as a skill soon becomes a habit of the heart.
2. “I don’t want to try something new.”
We’re all creatures of habit, and change can feel uncomfortable. But growth always asks us to step outside our comfort zone. This is one of those “stretch” moments that leads to more connection and less resentment down the road.
3. “Why should I have to ask? Shouldn’t they just know?”
Love is a dance. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages beautifully explains that we all express and receive love differently, but even when we know our partner’s love language, consistency is the real challenge. Gottman’s motto, “small things often,” reminds us that little gestures done regularly matter more than grand ones done rarely. Asking removes the guesswork and ensures your partner feels seen, valued, and prioritized.
4. “I’m tired of always being the one to give.”
Completely valid. Many people enter this exercise feeling emotionally depleted. But here’s the twist, this question benefits both partners. The one being asked feels cared for, while the one asking starts to rebuild trust and positive intent. Over time, it creates a ripple effect that softens defensiveness and invites reciprocity.
How to Practice the Couples Question Dare
Ask every morning: “What is one thing I can do to show you love today?”
Follow through: Keep it simple and sincere, even small actions count.
Repeat daily for 30 days: This creates consistency and rewires your relational rhythm.
Pay attention to the climate: Don’t expect instant fireworks. Just observe. Does your partner smile more? Do you argue less? Does the tone of your home feel lighter?
This isn’t about keeping score. It’s about changing the emotional climate of your relationship from reactive to intentional, from “you never…” to “I see you.”
Final Thoughts
Marriage is an adventure.
Sometimes it’s breathtaking; sometimes it’s exhausting. But the choices we make every day determine whether it feels like an uphill climb or a shared journey.
Simple, intentional practices like this question invite playfulness, safety, and hope back into the relationship. You’ll not only strengthen your bond but also rebuild the friendship that makes love last.
And if you miss a day? Show yourself grace. Just start again tomorrow.
“Love grows stronger not through grand gestures, but through daily choices to turn toward each other.”
Reflection & Practice: 30 Days of Intentional Love
Try this exercise for the next 30 days to begin changing the climate of your relationship. Print or write these prompts somewhere visible: the bathroom mirror, a phone note, or your couple’s journal.
Daily Challenge:
Ask your partner each morning:
“What can I do for you today to make you feel loved?”
Weekly Reflection Questions:
How did it feel to ask (or be asked) this question each day?
What patterns did you notice in how you responded or followed through?
Did your partner’s requests surprise you? Were they different than what you expected?
How did the tone of your relationship shift over time: in communication, patience, or affection?
What small habits helped you stay consistent when life got busy?
What did you learn about yourself and your partner through this process?
Pro Tip:
If you’re both open to it, set aside time at the end of the month to review what worked, what felt awkward, and what moments stood out most. This turns the exercise into an ongoing relational ritual, one that strengthens emotional safety, friendship, and trust.
“The goal isn’t perfection — it’s presence. Show up daily, even in small ways, and love will grow from there.”
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW-QS), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS). Through Nourivida Wellness, she helps couples and individuals build emotionally safe, anchored, and nourishing relationships.
Her approach integrates neuroscience, psychology, and holistic wellness to help clients strengthen communication, rebuild trust, and deepen connection. Yvette believes love isn’t effortless — it’s intentional — and that small daily actions can transform even the most disconnected seasons of a relationship.
Looking to grow your relationship? Explore more insights and resources at Nourivida Wellness.
