Reminders from the Couch: Sitting On the Sidewalk
- Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
- Oct 2, 2019
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 28
Becoming an Emotion Coach to Your Child
I often talk about the concept of “sitting on the sidewalk” in parent coaching sessions. It’s one of my favorite metaphors for emotion coaching.
It means pulling up a seat next to your child’s heart — without fixing, judging, or teaching — and simply listening.
It’s the moment you set aside your parental agenda and step into presence.
Sitting on the sidewalk means choosing connection over correction.
It’s when a parent pauses, listens, and validates a child’s inner world — no matter how messy, confusing, or uncomfortable it might feel.
In essence, it’s a practice of emotional attunement:
you’re helping your child feel seen, safe, and understood.
The Parent’s Task
When you’re sitting on the sidewalk with your child, your job is to be:
Natural: Keep your tone and posture relaxed; don’t rush or overanalyze.
Patient: Give them time to find their words. Silence can be sacred.
Encouraging: Nod, smile, or use small affirmations like “I get that” or “That sounds hard.”
Listening: Truly listen — not to respond, but to understand.
Open: Avoid telling your child what they should or shouldn’t feel.
Your goal isn’t to teach a lesson — it’s to build trust.
Your Response as a Parent
When your child opens up, practice responding in ways that communicate emotional safety:
Empathize and understand — not necessarily agree, but seek to get it.
Be compassionate and nonjudgmental.
Listen more than you talk.
Ask open-ended questions: “How did that make you feel?” “What happened next?”
Show acceptance of whatever feelings they’re experiencing.
Don’t fix it — yet. Resist the urge to jump to problem-solving.
Reflect what you hear: “It sounds like you felt really left out when that happened.”
“Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.” — Theodore Roosevelt
This skill is deceptively simple but profoundly powerful. It teaches your child that emotions are safe to feel and safe to share.
Timing Matters
These conversations rarely happen at convenient moments.
Sometimes a child will suddenly open up right before bedtime or while you’re half-distracted making dinner.
Other times, the topic might be heavier — a mistake they made, a broken friendship, or a choice that didn’t go well.
The key is to recognize the invitation.
When a child opens up, they’re inviting you into their internal world. That’s sacred ground.
When Problem-Solving Is Needed
If problem-solving is appropriate, make sure you’ve first met their emotional needs.
Empathy before strategy. Connection before correction.
You can gently ask:
“Would you like some help thinking through what to do next?”
If they say no, that’s okay. You can revisit it later by saying:
“I was thinking about what we talked about the other day. Would you like to figure out some next steps together?”
This models patience and respect — two qualities that nurture emotional intelligence and relational safety.
Working Through Your Own Emotions
As simple as this sounds, sitting on the sidewalk can be hard, because it asks us to manage our own emotional reactions.
Your child’s honesty might stir up memories, fears, or frustrations. You may feel defensive, worried, or even triggered.
If that happens:
Recognize your reaction. Notice if your body tenses, heart races, or thoughts speed up.
Pause and regulate. Take a breath, or if needed, let your child know:
“This isn’t about you. I just need a quick break to calm down so I can listen better.”
Refocus on your child. Remember, they don’t need you to fix — they need you to be with them.
When we model emotional regulation, we teach our children by example.
A Parallel Practice: The Stress-Reducing Conversation
The Gottman Institute has a similar tool called the Stress-Reducing Conversation — an exercise designed for couples to practice empathy, listening, and validation without fixing.
You can read more about it here.
The same principles apply to parenting: we connect best when we focus on understanding, not solutions.
Final Thought
Parenting is full of moments where we can either react or relate.
Sitting on the sidewalk is about choosing to relate — to sit in the space between your child’s words and your instinct to fix, and simply listen.
“Listening is where love begins: listening to ourselves and then to our children.” — Fred Rogers
When we practice that kind of presence, we give our children the greatest gift, a sense that no matter what they feel or face, they’re never alone on the sidewalk.
Reflection & Application
When was the last time you sat and truly listened to your child without correcting or advising?
What feelings come up for you when your child is upset — worry, frustration, guilt, fear?
How can you regulate yourself in those moments to stay emotionally available?
What might change in your relationship if you simply listened more than you spoke this week?
Try this: ask your child, “What’s been the hardest part of your week?” and practice sitting quietly with their answer.
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW-QS), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS). Through Nourivida Wellness, she helps parents, couples, and individuals understand the intersection of neuroscience, emotion, and connection.
Her integrative approach weaves together Gottman Method tools, Polyvagal-informed parenting, and holistic wellness — empowering families to build emotional safety, resilience, and trust.
Looking for guidance in emotion coaching or parent-child regulation?
Learn more at Nourivida Wellness.
